


entropy and dumbassery

by terikos



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Group chat, Texting, also conan and haibara are back to normal but the current canon plot is still relevant?, its a shit show, yeehaw for convenience's sake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-14 00:00:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terikos/pseuds/terikos
Summary: witchy bitch: ha i told you to watch out for wendysdollar store tricks: yea but i thought that was a joke, you pulled out a tarot card that had the wendys logo on it and said “this will be your demise”hey now: wait so she predicted this??no: tarot cards are non-factual miss me with that bsa chat fic :)





	1. a nebula of impending disaster

_dollar store tricks_ has added _1-800-death, no, smiley butch, tired mom, sailor moon w/a broom, hakuwuba, kazoo ha, hey now_ and _witchy bitch_.

dollar store tricks: welcome!! to a shit show built for healthy friendships!!

 

 _1-800-death, no, smiley butch, tired mom, sailor moon w/a broom, hakuwuba, kazoo ha, hey now_ and _witchy bitch_ have left the chat.

 

dollar store tricks: my heart,,, shattered and trampled,,,

 _dollar store tricks_ has added _1-800-death, no, smiley butch, tired mom, sailor moon w/a broom, hakuwuba, kazoo ha, hey now_ and _witchy bitch_ in the chat.

1-800-death: kaito. first of fucking all, most of these people don't know who the hell you are despite the fact that you've probably disguised as them like multiple times. second of all, it's 3 am.

dollar store tricks: but. You All Are Still Awake.

hey now: dude idek who you _are_

1-800-death: check ur dms.

hey now: kudo i,,, h ow in the holy fuck

tired mom: hattori please

hey now: sorry nee-chan, how the fuck

kazoo ha: idiot she meant get rid of the fuck part

smiley butch: shouldn't we be worrying abt how “dollar store tricks” got our numbers

tired mom: ah,,, you have a point sera

no: he stole kudo's phone when he knocked him out last time

sailor moon w/a moon: kudo?? kaito did what?? who are you all, so v confused rn aaaaa

no: ask your boyfriend.

sailor moon w/a broom: i,,, he's not my bf aaajfbsn??

1-800-death: kaito just why

dollar store tricks: !!! i will explain everything heheh so… ‘smiley butch’ is the motorcycle girl who looks like a boy, 'tired mom’ is kudo's gf, 'no’ is scary eyes girl, ‘kazoo ha’ is the kansai dude's gf, 'hey now’ is kansai dude, 'witchy bitch’ is akako who's evil btw, 'sailor moon w/a broom’ is aoko, ‘1-800-death’ and ‘hakuwuba’ are self explanatory

1-800-death: bc giving names to people we've never met before def helps somehow.

dollar store tricks: yes! it does now shush. beika people check ur dms for further explanation

sailor moon w/a broom: kaito. kaito don't you think you need to explain for others too

dollar store tricks: that can wait this is more fun

hakuwuba: Kaito, go to sleep before I expose you.

kazoo ha: wait heiji isn't this the dude you hate??

hey now: hhhhh

dollar store tricks: ok ok playtimes over everyone go tf to sleep

witchy bitch: i will obliterate your soul with a thousand curses.

 

12:40 PM

dollar store tricks: happy opposite weed

hakuwuba: It's. 12. We're in class.

hey now: ha like that's ever stopped anything

hakuwuba: Are you implying that you don't pay attention during class? Well, that's to be expected from a low focus, hot tempered person like you.

hey now: bitch what the fuck ur texting as well???

tired mom: SHUT UP.

 

2:52 PM

smiley butch: woah ran got mad

kazoo ha: i mean it was justified so

1-800-death: why am i friends with idiots

hey now: woah kudo that hurt a lil

no: good.

sailor moon w/a broom: im so sorry abt kaito, i made sure to yell at him after class!!

tired mom: ahh, no it's alright aoko-san, i was just annoyed today haha

no: @dollar store tricks  you die today.

dollar store tricks: get in line sweetie

witchy bitch: you won't have a line after im finished with you. why would you text a group of strangers past midnight and disrupt everyone's sleep? are you that shrewd? do you know how angry lucifer was after hearing my notification at three in the morning?

dollar store tricks: but,, i thought u stayed up?? for like witchy stuff

witchy bitch: I Apologize But witches need rest as well

smiley butch: yall crazy

1-800-death: sera don't provoke them they're too tiring to deal with

no: ew

smiley butch: sounds like u've had to deal with them before??

1-800-death: ew

 

5:21 AM

dollar store tricks: so. i was theorizing.

sailor moon w/a broom: abt???

dollar store tricks: what's,, the nutritional value of a human??

hakuwuba: That's cannibalism.

dollar store tricks: yea ik that but like. #%@$&@$..?

no: [ https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/ancient-cannibals-did-not-eat-humans-nutrition-study-says-180962823/ ](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/ancient-cannibals-did-not-eat-humans-nutrition-study-says-180962823/)

1-800-death: [ https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/04/human-cannibalism-nutrition-archaeology-science/ ](https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/04/human-cannibalism-nutrition-archaeology-science/)

smiley butch: [ https://www.medicaldaily.com/cannibalism-high-protein-diet-youve-never-considered-yields-fewer-calories-eating-other-animals ](https://www.medicaldaily.com/cannibalism-high-protein-diet-youve-never-considered-yields-fewer-calories-eating-other-animals)

tired mom: why am i not surprised all three of you sent that at exactly the same time.

sailor moon w/a broom: im eating breakfast pls spare for a bit

dollar store tricks: thats rare u usually wake up late hmm

sailor moon w/a broom: shdhsh shush

dollar store tricks: oh oh anyways i made a “get to know u” exercise for yall!! how do you think everyone would die in a zombie apocalypse

1-800-death: as dumb as that idea is, you'd die after trying to serenade a zombie with the shitty titanic recorder song

no: kudo-kun would die from insanity after not drinking coffee

tired mom: that's,, accurate

hey now: nee-chan and kazuha would prob almost survive but get locked somewhere stupid

1-800-death: sera and miyano wouldn't die they're criptids

tired mom: or they're just smart :’)

smiley butch: hattori would die after trying to calm kudo down, dont know abt you ekoda kids

sailor moon w/a broom: hakuba-kun would almost survive but then find a limited edition vers of a sherlock holmes book and get caught, i would do something stupid and akako-chan wouldn't die

witchy bitch: dying? hah you doubt my power

dollar store tricks: why are you like this

1-800-death: can i just

 

 _1-800-death_ has left the chat.

no: pfft as if id let you escape the same hell im in

 

 _no_ has added _1-800-death_ to the chat.

1-800-death: why am i alive

no: good question tbh. you've been shot, thrown out a plane, kidnapped, almost run over, buried in snow, trapped in burning buildings and almost drowned multiple times.

kazoo ha: with ran rn and she's in shock

1-800-death: im,,, sorry,,, :’)

dollar store tricks: kudo what the fuck

  
  



	2. akako is a flat earther

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mariCAR akihabara!! shit goes on and kaito is an idiot

2:12 AM

dollar store tricks: yknow when you,,, walk into a crocs store and the smell just hits you in the face

dollar store tricks: they have a wall that's covered in crocs and when you stare at it, the holes make you dizzy and the  _ smell _ of a billion crocs just makes it worse and the holes just keep staring back and my head starts pounding and

 

_ Read 11:02 AM _

hey now: ????

1-800-death: yea don't question it

hey now: oh btw kudo we're coming over today

kazoo ha: ran-chan guess which idiot promised they'd take me go-karting after i beat them in mario kart

tired mom: hattori-kun??

hey now: first of all, im gonna beat you irl

hey now: second of all, i went easy on that game, ofc i let you win

sailor moon w/a broom: !!! this is a weird coincidence but akako and i are also going there

witchy bitch: after a similar situation such as yours

sailor moon w/a broom: hehe i beat her and she said id lose with an actual go-kart

no: you do realize you all need a drivers license right

smiley butch: i wanna join?? do motorcycle licenses count?

no:  _ you do realize  _ that a license is available when you're 18 right

hey now: wait what do they not accept motorcycle licenses??

no: even if they did, toyama-san doesn't have one

smiley butch: wow sounds like u have experience???

no: hm

1-800-death: lmao she does

no: shut tf up

1-800-death: wow ily too

sailor moon w/a broom: ;-; sorry akako-chan, i guess we can't go anymore

witchy bitch: it's alright? we already have train tickets for akihabara so we might as well watch a movie there

dollar store tricks: i suggest buying some fabulous crocs instead

witchy bitch: can you. NOT.

hakuwuba: He has been incessantly complaining and babbling with exuberance about Crocs like an idiot all throughout chemistry. If I had a roll of duct tape, I would have gladly taped his mouth shut by now.

1-800-death: oh i forgot he has different people to bother

smiley butch: is he really that bad?

dollar store tricks: seraaaa don't listen to them they don't appreciate my sparkling aura

hakuwuba: You ate an onion during the midterm. You peeled. And  _ ate _ . An entire onion.

sailor moon w/a broom: i remember that, the teacher started crying and went out the classroom

smiley butch: huh i kinda respect him now?? like that's stupid but im fascinated

1-800-death: don't be

tired mom: shinichi stop texting and eat your lunch when it's actually lunch time

no: ha mouri-san called you out

1-800-death: shush

 

1:51 PM

dollar store tricks: i have been… Concocting A Plan

no: ew

 

3:18 PM

hey now: well since mario kart is cancelled

kazoo ha: ran-chan, look out the window!!

tired mom: !!!! 

1-800-death: oh u actually came

hey now: :’( despite the fact we've been lifelong friends u don't sound excited

1-800-death: i was reading a new book

no: ha nerd

1-800-death: says the genius biochemist who's only, what,18?

hey now: scary eyes nee-chan is a biochemist??

no: ew

 

5:30 PM

sailor moon w/a broom: so um akako-chan just smacked a molester with a nearby mannequin 

dollar store tricks: not surprised

1-800-death: not surprised

smiley butch: wait with a mannequin???

sailor moon w/a broom: yea,,,

smiley butch: that's p badass

dollar store tricks: wait hold on who got molested im gonna run over there

sailor moon w/a broom: oh it wasn't us, it was a girl in an alley next to the clothes shop we were going to go in. i think it’s ok rn she called over an officer

tired mom: are you sure everyone's alright? 

witchy bitch: yeah

dollar store tricks: yknow as much as i don't trust u sometimes, that was sick

witchy bitch: hm thanks

hey now: oh wait is that yall over there? we're waving

1-800-death: the three girls next to.. oh no, yumi-san?

witchy bitch: yes?

kazoo ha: wait why “oh no, yumi-san”?

no: oh

1-800-death: o h

 

6:44 PM

tired mom: it was nice meeting you, akako and aoko-san!

kazoo ha: yea u two were super cool!!

sailor moon w/a broom: ahhhh no not really, im glad we could talk together!!!

witchy bitch: agreed

smiley butch: :’( why is it that i always miss out on things like this

1-800-death: i mean, you never miss out on cases

hey now: pfft not as much as you

no: a literal corpse magnet, can't understand how mouri-san deals with you

tired mom: ^^;

smiley butch: oof 

 

11:09 PM

dollar store tricks: so uh

sailor moon w/a broom: oh no

dollar store tricks: imayhapshavegottenlockedinawendy's

kazoo ha: isn't that,,, the opposite of breaking n entering?

1-800-death: how tf did you get “locked” in a wendys

hey now: kudo askin the real questions here

smiley butch: im pretty sure that's? illegal?

dollar store tricks: no no bc i didn't get  _ in _ , i  _ stayed  _ in

smiley butch: s t i l l

1-800-death: kaito u didn't answer.

dollar store tricks: oh well, i pissed off one of the employees and they must've drugged my drink bc when i went to the bathroom i passed out. there's only one bathroom here and it's locked from the outside

smiley butch: oh then you're a victim oof

1-800-death: i dmed u, ur more than capable of getting out of there

smiley butch: hmm what's this smell?? suspiciousness?? how would kaito have experience in getting out of locked rooms?

hey now: sounds kinky shut up

1-800-death: u g h

sailor moon w/a broom: but kaito, how mad did you make the employee to make them lock you in the bathroom

dollar store tricks: v mad tbh

witchy bitch: ha i told you to watch out for wendys

dollar store tricks: yea but i thought that was a joke, you pulled out a tarot card that had the wendys logo on it and said “this will be your demise”

hey now: wait so she predicted this??

no: tarot cards are non-factual miss me with that bs

1-800-death: yknow ive met her once (1) and im like a hundred percent sure she's a flat earther but  _ don't antagonize her _ she's scary as fuck

witchy bitch: ha you imbeciles, the earth is not round

dollar store tricks: oh hey look at that, i got out, not that anyone cares tho

no: the earth. is round.

tired mom: everyone please sleep its a school night


	3. cantaloupes + copacabana

11:53 PM

dollar store tricks: so i was cutting a cantaloupe bc aoko wasnt here

and i gotta tell yall

i realized how frustrating it must be to dismember a person if you were a murderer

like i literally started shaking bc i got so mad at the cantaloupe and i wasn’t even using a dull knife??

smiley butch: uh are you ok???

no: you do know that there are four (4) detectives in this chat right

dollar store tricks: ha i wouldn't kill anyone donut worry, u should care abt akako though

witchy bitch: screw off

dollar store tricks: but it's true?

sailor moon w/a broom: she could kill someone with her intense glare but??? other than that, nope

hakuwuba: Was that a compliment or a call out?

witchy bitch: id rather not know, aoko dont answer that

kazoo ha: speakin of intense glares, yall havent seen ran when she gets mad right?? she turns intimidatingly pretty (more than usual) for some reason

1-800-death: oh Is That So?

sailor moon w/a broom: :O

tired mom: ill get mad if everyone doesn't stop using their phones

sailor moon w/a broom: !!!! you should send a selfie 

no: no. that's the signal to get off your phone

smiley butch: mhm

 

12:10 PM

hey now: kazuha just ran off yelling “this is the best day of my life” anyone know what happened?

tired mom: oh i told her we have a school trip to osaka/your high school is involved in it

smiley butch: !!!! im pretty excited for it tbh

1-800-death: someone's gonna die on the trip

kazoo ha: OF FUN, DONT U DARE RUIN THE TRIP WITH YOUR SHINIGAMI CHARMS 

no: you think he finds so many dead bodies bc he  _ wants  _ to?

1-800-death: :’)

hey now: yknow if im there, tomboy girl is there, and kudo is there, something bad is gonna happen 100% 

kazoo ha: wow way to ruin the mood heiji

sailor moon w/a broom: hey, when is this trip u guys have?

tired mom: April 5-6, why?

hakuwuba: Our school is going on a historical retreat to Osaka Castle on April 15.

smiley butch: ew tax day

1-800-death: only in the us tho, i think

smiley butch: still, bleh

hey now: ??? youre 17, you dont have to worry about taxes

smiley butch: i live in a hotel by myself = financial responsibility rests on my shoulders

1-800-death: ha. “by myself.”

smiley butch: what r u insinuating

1-800-death: that you have a tiny child living with you.

no: too direct im leaving

smiley butch: mood

tired mom: ...???

 

3:55 PM

dollar store tricks: kifo texted me if i snort ygorut so i said only if there's cocoaine in it and ajaiko yelled what are you doing to the entirs clajsrom

hey now: who's ajaiko?? and kifo???

witchy bitch: it's a typo, he meant me

dollar store tricks: ydiu ejejjddjhf im laugjing so hard rn

sailor moon w/a broom: kaito is acting more insane than usual/hes pulling out tissues from his sleeve

oh my gosh theyre not ending

its endless tissues

what!?!???!?? HES COVERED HALF THE FLOOR WITH TISSUES GUYS I FEEL SO BAD FOR THE TEACHER THEY JUST WALKED IN AND TURNED AROUND

witchy bitch: i hate this 

no: ha join the club flat earther

hakuwuba: I'm disappointed in you, Kaito.

1-800-death: ha join the club frat boy

hey now: tsk british frat boi 

 

10:22 PM

dollar store tricks: i wish there was a waffle house in japan

smiley butch: yknow. i agree

tired mom: we went to a waffle house @3AM with shinichi's mom once when we went to the us with her

1-800-death: oh i remember that, someone choked on their jawbreaker while singing copacabana

dollar store tricks: hIS NAME WAS CONAN

HE WAS SO TINY, WITH A SOCCER BALL AND WRIST WATCH THAT KNOCKED THE PEOPLE OUT 

HE WOULD SOLVE STUFF!!! AND DEDUCE SOME SHIT

AND WHILE HE TRIED TO HELP POLICE

GIN WOULD ALWAYS FUCK THINGS UP

dollar store tricks: wait hold on kudo has a mom

no: how do you-

kudo what the fuck did you tell him

dms sent to  _ both  _ of you insane shits

tired mom: conan?? how is he/how do you know him???

dollar store tricks: oh we met at a crime scene

1-800-death: i hate this

tired mom: makes sense

hey now: i- yikes.

 

4:34 AM

dollar store tricks: hey guess which harry potter house i got

no: no one cares. shut up and sleep.

dollar store tricks: i got hufflepuff somehow can you believe it :)

 

6:11 AM

1-800-death: honestly that sounds kinda accurate. you'd be a hufflepuff senior who would tell the underclassmen all the wrong shit/sleep out of boredom during all the classes

sailor moon w/a broom: sounds v accurate

smiley butch: oh harry potter?? i lowkey hate the author tho bc of the shit she's recently doing

1-800-death: that's valid

 

2:58 PM

dollar store tricks: @witchy bitch dude you missed out on physics today it was chaos

we were missing like half the class so we were just having fun and during multiple labs so one kid was sucking helium out of a balloon

others were playing “dont let the balloon touch the ground”

one lab involved getting a balloon to across a zipline so that was happening

hey now: dang we just listened to boring lectures all day long

dollar store tricks: this was all happening at once

and we made these kinda paper airplane things too that were flying around the room

kazoo ha: that's so chaotic, did the teacher let you do all this??

sailor moon w/a broom: yep :’))) 

also kaito, i didn't get a text from akako today so i think she's sick or smth

tired mom: oh, i hope she feels better soon!?

sailor moon w/a broom: aww ill pass that on when i visit her!!

 

9:76 PM

smiley butch: watermelon tasteslike sweet cucumber don't argue :’/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope yall enjoyed, the cantaloupe thing is based on something irl  
> i fell asleep writing this im so tired oh man


End file.
